Why It’s Not Easy to “Just Leave”: Insight into Abusive Relationships By: Mary-Kate Mueller, PLPC

    Chances are, you likely know someone who has been in or is currently in an abusive relationship. Statistically, they are more common than many people think. More often than not, signs can be missed indicating abuse is occurring. I would like to take a moment to identify warning signs of abuse, reduce the stigma of these relationships, and discuss what can be done to support those experiencing them.

            There are various forms of abuse that can occur within a relationship. These types of abuse can include physical abuse, emotional abuse, sexual abuse, financial abuse, digital abuse, sexual or reproductive coercion, and stalking. These various types of abuse can have some extent of overlap, but I would like to provide a general idea of each type. Examples of physical abuse can include actions such as: hitting, punching, burning, controlling medication, or withholding medical care. Emotional abuse can include manipulation, gaslighting, name-calling, or threatening. Sexual abuse can include assault, pressuring a victim into engaging in sexual acts, refusing to use protection, or sabotaging birth control.

Financial abuse can include withholding money or controlling the victim’s finances. Digital abuse can include the use of spyware to gain information, access the victim’s camera, or to monitor conversations – all without the victim’s knowledge or consent. Sexual and reproductive coercion can include making the victim feel they owe the perpetrator sexual intercourse, using alcohol or substances to make a victim more vulnerable, or attempting to impregnate a partner without consent. Stalking can include showing up unannounced to a victim’s location, sending unwanted gifts to their location, or tracking a victim’s location through GPS applications.

These forms of abuse do not have to be occurring constantly for a relationship to be considered abusive. Abusive relationships often have a cycle of abuse that occurs. Within that cycle, there is typically a period in which tension is building, followed by an incident of escalated abuse. Following the incident, there’s typically a make-up period that resembles a honeymoon phase and may include a manipulation tactic called “love bombing”. Love bombing can include actions such as showering the victim with compliments, gifts, or praise. It can also present as excessively professing feelings of love, admiration, or of your future together. The cycle then often has a period of calm, just prior to tension beginning to build again.

            In reference to domestic violence relationships, I have repeatedly heard people say,  “Why don’t they just leave?” The cycle of abuse can make these relationships extremely confusing and is far more complex than just packing a bag and going. The extent of manipulation and emotional abuse on behalf of the perpetrator is often convincing enough that their victim truly believes they are sorry, and that it will not happen again. Within the cycle, the incidents of abuse can feel like an isolated occurrence. The abuser often presents as cunning and charismatic in the beginning, with the abuse gradually occurring within the relationship. The dissonance within the victim pertaining to how the abuser presents can be difficult to reconcile.

It is often hard for our brains to recognize and accept that the same person who is harming and abusing us is also the charming person we love. And even if a victim feels ready to leave, being financially bound with this person, married, or potentially being physically harmed or even killed for trying to leave - it is extensively and unfathomably complicated. It is not always as simple as just choosing to leave and leaving. However, resources are available such as counselors, mental health professionals, hotlines, and crisis services that are trained in safety planning and helping a victim leave an abuser. Though it may take many attempts to successfully leave for good, it is never too late to try again. As loved ones of victims in abusive relationships, the best thing we can do is support them through attempting to leave, support them when they feel they can’t leave, support them through loving their abuser, and support them if and when they do officially leave.

Additional Resources:

-ALIVE 24-Hour Crisis Line

(314) 993-2777

-Safe Connections

(314) 531-2003

-FamilyForward

(314) 534-9350

-National Domestic Violence Hotline

Call 1 (800) 799-7233

Text "START" to 88788

Suicide & Crisis Lifeline

-Dial 988

Call, text, or chat 24/7